61 weeks since starting HRT. I got my haircut yesterday, and decided to shave the sides and back, get rid of the undercut. I have been nervous about this because I have been growing my hair out for so long. These fears turned out to be totally unfounded. I had a wedding to go to yesterday, and I decided to wear a button up purple shirt, with black vest and slacks. As soon as I was finished with my haircut, I had a strange feeling that I have never really had before. I felt like I looked extremely attractive! I was looking good, and I totally felt that way. There have been times in the past where a particular aspect about myself I thought looked good, like a hairstyle came out perfect or when my abs had good definition. Yesterday, I felt everything about me looked great. Nothing stood out as bad, there was nothing I felt like I wanted to change. Right then, in that moment, I had total acceptance and great love for everything about my physical appearance. It only took 29 years to get here (my birthday is at the end of the month, I just assume I am 29 now haha!). The hair plan going forward is to continue having the sides shaved, but keep letting the top get longer.
I am just about fully recovered from the surgery, and I thought it would be worth sharing some of the results up to this point. I have my lab test next week, so I will update my hormone levels when I get them. I can't see the incision at all, it appears to have healed up enough to be no longer noticeable. There is still very minor pain in the inguinal canal, the holes that the testicles descend from. It will probably take some time for this pain to go away, and is the source of the pain when I was running. I still am not able to run, but I have been on some hikes and have no pain so I don't seem to have many physical limitations after 3 weeks. I still have full sexual functioning, there has been no decrease from before the surgery (something I was admittedly nervous about, but knew was unlikely from credible sources). I can also cross my legs a lot easier!
There are a few changes that I attribute more to no longer having to take the anti-androgen medications. My skin is softer and body hair, while still present, feels softer as well. My appetite has returned, I find it much easier to eat a solid three meals a day and meet my nutritional needs. I don't seem to have the constant lethargic feeling that I used to have, but it is too early to tell. I have been tired and not sleeping well recently, but I think this has more to do with my sleep cycle disruptions from recovering, lack of exercise, as well as issues with my CPAP machine. The tired feeling from this just feels different than the lack of energy I attribute to the medications. It feels a lot more similar to how tired I felt prior to being prescribed the CPAP for my sleep apnea, where I am sleepy but still have energy to do things. The medications made me have low energy, but not necessarily be sleepy. It is difficult for me to describe, but they do seem to be different sensations. I prefer the tired feeling I have at the moment, because at least I have some things I can change to relieve the problem. I am optimistic that getting my exercise routine back, maintaining a more consistent sleep cycle, and working with my doctor to find a better CPAP mask will help tremendously in this area. I don't feel so helpless at the moment, which is great.
A really good friend of mine from high school had his wedding yesterday. This has been a big source of anxiety lately because there would be a lot of friends I have not seen in a long time. I had very mixed emotions that night, so I will start with the good. My friends were great, they have been totally accepting of my situation and really made me feel comfortable. Seeing how happy my friend was with his new wife was overwhelmingly emotional, and I am so happy for the both of them. I even danced a little bit and had a chance to talk with people and catch up, with very little awkwardness. Obviously the event was not about me, but I did not feel left out in any way and everyone was really cool.
The wedding atmosphere is very gendered though, which made it difficult for me. The guys were all in suits, short hair, drinking and talking about the girls. The girls were all glammed up with makeup and long, fancy hair and cute dresses. Then there was me, kind of in the middle, and I find it hard to really relate to either side. Essentially, all of the guys were really the same, and all of the girls were really the same. I see the guys doing their thing and having a good time, but that is and never really was me. Then I see the girls and it just reminds me that I don't really fit that mold either. I really felt like I stood out, and couldn't fit into either of the very binary groups. A part of me still really regrets that I can't just fit into one side of the other. I never had the opportunity to dance with the guys, to get with a group of girls and dance with eachother. To be flirted with, to get all glammed up and look cute. To just fit in with all the other women and relate to them and not be so different. Seeing all of this just reminds me that I may never have the opportunity to experience this in the way it is set up. It makes me sad that I just can't fit that mold like everyone else. I don't blame anyone, it is just my own issue that I need to figure out.
As hard as I try to tell myself that my situation is unique and it makes me special, I still have feelings of regret. And being there in that situation brought a lot of those feelings to the surface. It is so hard because I love my friends so much, and I am happy that they still want me in their lives. I am hoping that as I continue to get more comfortable with myself and my situation these feelings will subside. My level of acceptance will hopefully continue to grow, and this was a good situation to just really feel these emotions, acknowledge them as valid and really start to let them go. I know it will take time. Overall it was a good experience and I felt really brought me closer to a lot of my friends. I am glad I could be there on my friend's special day, and hope that they continue to involve me in their lives in some way. My issues are mine, and I know not everyone will understand, but just staying involved will make my level of acceptance so much better.
I am just about fully recovered from the surgery, and I thought it would be worth sharing some of the results up to this point. I have my lab test next week, so I will update my hormone levels when I get them. I can't see the incision at all, it appears to have healed up enough to be no longer noticeable. There is still very minor pain in the inguinal canal, the holes that the testicles descend from. It will probably take some time for this pain to go away, and is the source of the pain when I was running. I still am not able to run, but I have been on some hikes and have no pain so I don't seem to have many physical limitations after 3 weeks. I still have full sexual functioning, there has been no decrease from before the surgery (something I was admittedly nervous about, but knew was unlikely from credible sources). I can also cross my legs a lot easier!
There are a few changes that I attribute more to no longer having to take the anti-androgen medications. My skin is softer and body hair, while still present, feels softer as well. My appetite has returned, I find it much easier to eat a solid three meals a day and meet my nutritional needs. I don't seem to have the constant lethargic feeling that I used to have, but it is too early to tell. I have been tired and not sleeping well recently, but I think this has more to do with my sleep cycle disruptions from recovering, lack of exercise, as well as issues with my CPAP machine. The tired feeling from this just feels different than the lack of energy I attribute to the medications. It feels a lot more similar to how tired I felt prior to being prescribed the CPAP for my sleep apnea, where I am sleepy but still have energy to do things. The medications made me have low energy, but not necessarily be sleepy. It is difficult for me to describe, but they do seem to be different sensations. I prefer the tired feeling I have at the moment, because at least I have some things I can change to relieve the problem. I am optimistic that getting my exercise routine back, maintaining a more consistent sleep cycle, and working with my doctor to find a better CPAP mask will help tremendously in this area. I don't feel so helpless at the moment, which is great.
A really good friend of mine from high school had his wedding yesterday. This has been a big source of anxiety lately because there would be a lot of friends I have not seen in a long time. I had very mixed emotions that night, so I will start with the good. My friends were great, they have been totally accepting of my situation and really made me feel comfortable. Seeing how happy my friend was with his new wife was overwhelmingly emotional, and I am so happy for the both of them. I even danced a little bit and had a chance to talk with people and catch up, with very little awkwardness. Obviously the event was not about me, but I did not feel left out in any way and everyone was really cool.
The wedding atmosphere is very gendered though, which made it difficult for me. The guys were all in suits, short hair, drinking and talking about the girls. The girls were all glammed up with makeup and long, fancy hair and cute dresses. Then there was me, kind of in the middle, and I find it hard to really relate to either side. Essentially, all of the guys were really the same, and all of the girls were really the same. I see the guys doing their thing and having a good time, but that is and never really was me. Then I see the girls and it just reminds me that I don't really fit that mold either. I really felt like I stood out, and couldn't fit into either of the very binary groups. A part of me still really regrets that I can't just fit into one side of the other. I never had the opportunity to dance with the guys, to get with a group of girls and dance with eachother. To be flirted with, to get all glammed up and look cute. To just fit in with all the other women and relate to them and not be so different. Seeing all of this just reminds me that I may never have the opportunity to experience this in the way it is set up. It makes me sad that I just can't fit that mold like everyone else. I don't blame anyone, it is just my own issue that I need to figure out.
As hard as I try to tell myself that my situation is unique and it makes me special, I still have feelings of regret. And being there in that situation brought a lot of those feelings to the surface. It is so hard because I love my friends so much, and I am happy that they still want me in their lives. I am hoping that as I continue to get more comfortable with myself and my situation these feelings will subside. My level of acceptance will hopefully continue to grow, and this was a good situation to just really feel these emotions, acknowledge them as valid and really start to let them go. I know it will take time. Overall it was a good experience and I felt really brought me closer to a lot of my friends. I am glad I could be there on my friend's special day, and hope that they continue to involve me in their lives in some way. My issues are mine, and I know not everyone will understand, but just staying involved will make my level of acceptance so much better.